Approximately 95 percent of marriages in India are arranged. Marriages that are not arranged are called "love marriages." Indians liked to talk about this with us - "Arranged marriages are good," "arranged marriages are bad." "Good in India, though probably wouldn't work in the US." The need to marry someone in your minute subcaste is still followed by almost all of the people involved in arranged marriages.

Interestingly people often asked us if we were brother and sister! This is particularly funny, given that we were trying not to be too physically affectionate to be sensitive to Indian cultural norms! I (A) asked one person why they said this and they replied that we looked alike, but my theory is that they thought Elizabeth was beautiful and were hoping that I was her brother.

Before traveling in India, I (E) found the idea of an arranged marriage to be unbelievably antiquated. However, after being here I can understand how it works in Indian society. For one thing, the emphasis on the family is much stronger here than in the U.S. Indians often live with their extended family, so in a practical sense the mate of an adult child must be a fit for the whole family, not just the individual. Additionally, there is the common cultural idea that love follows a marriage - - that love is learned as your ties to your marriage partner grow. Many Indians believe that you choose a marriage partner based on a variety of compatibility factors (family, caste, job, education level) and that with time love then grows. They believe that passioinate love is a immature, romantic frivolity and that is a poor foundation on which to base a life-long partnership.

To a westerner, arranged marriages can sound like a business proposition (not entirely inaccurate). However, Indians point to high divorce rates in America compared to India as proof of the success of arranged marriages. After working in the domestic violence field for many years, I know that India is a country in which divorce is socially taboo even when the marriage is not working (like when the man is abusive). I am (obviously) glad that arranged marriages are not part of my culture because I think that the Indian criticism of romantic love as the foundation of "love marriages" leaves out the part of choosing a marriage partner based on deep friendship and respect. However, Alan and I did have interesting conversations about how in choosing each other, we certainly were not straying from what our American "caste" might be. And certainly there are plenty of Americans who choose their partners based on factors that could also be viewed as a business proposition (money, education, potential success of the marriage partner). I also see that being reared in a western culture with a focus on individualism would make an arranged marriage an experience of cognitive dissonance. However, I left India understanding how its context of less individualism makes arranged marriages work for many people in india. Over the last few decades things have changed considerably within the structure of arranged marriages. Whereas in the past the soon-to-be-married would not see one another until the wedding day, now people often have several dates or "meetings" to see if the other person would be a suitable mate. It is not uncommon for the answer to be no. In this sense, the arranged marriage becomes like a set-up date -- except that the person setting you up is a parent or relative instead of a friend (!).